what would you like to share about yourself?

My name is Caroline, I go by she/her pronouns, I am 23. I would say I'm an artist, an activist, and an aspiring human rights lawyer. I'm a very spiritual person; I like to link very small things to some grand picture. I like reading a lot about that sort of thing. bell hooks, Angela Davis, Audre Lorde, those are the types of people I resonate with and I feel like I share a lot of the same values.

what led you to participate in this sharing today?

I think oftentimes, there's a lot of shame placed upon victims of sexual assault, whether it's them being blamed or even self-inflicted shame, like what did I do to inflict this onto myself? Or, why did this happen to me? And I think that there should be absolutely no shame, but I also know that shaking those feelings is very hard. And so the more you see survivors talk about their experience and own it—that I'm not ashamed because I did nothing to encourage this, it just happened; I'm not lesser of a person because that happened—I think that's why I started being more comfortable talking about it because I think it's sort of living by example. . . . I've come to a point where I'm very open about [my encounters with sexual violence] because I don't see a point in hiding. I think having very honest conversations about every aspect of it just sort of helps, hopefully, to empathise and humanise the issue.

what does international women's day mean to you?

One of my favorite authors, bell hooks, [says that] the only real thing that keeps social movements going is love . . . love, can create momentum and keep the revolution alive. I think International Women's Day is about building community and creating spaces that feel safe in a place that does not feel very secure. Unfortunately, we're not at a place where femme people feel safe on a daily basis, even in their own homes. Sometimes even in their own minds, they don't feel very safe because of external voices that put them down and they internalise that negativity. I think creating a community that is loving and accepting, and that we celebrate that yearly, is just so important.

what does the term "sexual violence" mean to you?

I think there's a misconception that it is only something physical . . . It is so much more intense than that. It can be so psychological as well; it can be stalking, it can be completely virtual . . . It's not just that somebody is very violent and aggressive with you in your body. I think bodily autonomy and body safety can be disrespected in tons of other ways that are not yet acknowledged, and [those don't] receive the same level of attention and severity it requires. And if we don't acknowledge that, we can't get to the bottom of solving it.

could you share about your experiences with sexual violence?

So my very first sexual encounter was an assault, it happened when I was 15. It was somebody that I was good friends with and I had no idea. I had no idea what sexual assault was. . . . Long story short, just because I don't like focusing on that, we were alone together and he came from behind and grabbed me, and just started touching me everywhere, and I couldn't let go. I kept fighting to unshackle myself and I couldn't. I remember him breathing really hard next to my ear and that sound, to this day, I can't. I can't have someone breathe next to me.

[...]

I was also young and I thought that [sexual assault was what happens with] a stranger in an alleyway, and so I started having all those questions of what did I do to have this happen? I didn't even have the vocabulary to describe it. I just knew I felt really sick and disgusting in my own skin, but I couldn't place why. It took a year for me to even understand what had happened and . . . even till today, I still have issues sometimes sitting with the memory of it; sitting with how that's affected me; my relationships with men; with my ability to trust people; with my personal space and my boundaries . . . I think there's been a lot of recovery in terms of forming emotional or intimate or sexual connection with another person, but there are certain things that I will never be able to handle. . . . There has to be an understanding that sometimes these things never get better.

i'm so sorry you had to experience that. what was going through your mind when the assault happened?

I was scared. I remember it was very much like an out of body experience . . . you're just in such a state of shock that your body fails to feel anything. But I distinctly remember my heart was beating so fast, and so loud in my chest. It was so scary. I couldn't articulate it, but I just knew that whatever was happening wasn't right. It was difficult because it happened three separate times because I just lacked the ability to understand what was going on so I couldn’t stop it sooner. And because it was someone I knew, I would invalidate my own experience saying, "oh, it could not have happened. I misunderstood. It was my fault. Maybe I said something or did something which communicated something that I didn't mean to.”

I also remember the very first shower after you've been assaulted is a very traumatic experience. Having to strip yourself of all your clothes and have the water hit you can be a very emotional experience, just because you are trying to cleanse yourself of something and I think you always feel very dirty within your own skin. It's not in the sense of being actually physically dirty, but you're trying to cleanse and scrub off whatever that feeling is. But that's what it is, it's a feeling, and I think that's something that is very difficult to experience. I think that's why sexual assault is a lifelong, traumatic experience because you never know when a new interaction is going to trigger something that's going to take you all the way back.

when you were sharing your story, what were some stereotypes or prejudices you came across?

I haven't had things said very directly towards me, but I have had a lot of friends who have had very awful things said to them. Some of them go along with the idea of oh, but if you wore that, you were looking for some sort of attention and unfortunately, from having getting a free drink to somebody touching up on you, that's what you have to expect. That's you playing the field. I've heard, oh, but I know this guy. He's great. I don't think he meant it that way. I don't think he would have disrespected you like that. I know him. He's my bro, he would never do that. Or, but you flirted with him. Now that he's made those advances, you can't blame him because, in a sense, you consented. It really goes on and on but there's an inherent disrespect and invisibility of women as people.

[...]

I think there's a misconception when it comes to sexual assault that it happens with a stranger. Most of the time, it actually is somebody that you know. I think the struggle then comes with the people around you . . . because . . . I think their personal feelings towards them really come into play and it clouds their judgment and they might start to make excuses. Something that a lot of my friends used to say to me when I would eventually open up about what happened is, "oh, but he's never done anything to me, so I'm gonna stay friends with him." It's not an immediate disrespect, but it is still a way to invalidate my experience and my feelings.

what are some things they could have said or done to better support you?

Sometimes it's just about creating a space that's non-judgmental, that is respectful, loving, and compassionate, and creating a community that the person can feel validated in. And it doesn't matter, really, sometimes the things that you say, it's just that this person needs to feel so safe, [especially] in such a time that they've been so violated. And so you can say things [like], I believe you. I am so sorry, I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do. I will hold your hand every step of the way. Whatever you want to do, I support you. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to put this onto yourself and every thought that comes across in your mind that you did, you need to wipe that out because nobody would ever ask this upon themselves. Anyone who would say something like that has never been unfortunate enough to experience it. And that's it. You just need to create spaces with utmost empathy.

and after your encounters with sexual assault, how did recovery and healing look like for you?

Tumultuous, very incredibly tumultuous. I had stayed silent for a long time because I blamed myself. But doing social work where I can has been immensely helpful in my healing process . . . If I'm able to help somebody and be a first responder, that's healing; working on a comprehensive sexual education website [for AWARE], that's healing; having conversations about what consent and autonomy looks like is healing . . . I don't think that there is recovery from what happened, but I think the new interactions that you build upon and that you have makes all of it better. That's the silver lining."

from your own words, why do you think this fundraiser for aware is so important?

From my time at AWARE, seeing everyone from the therapists to the advocacy department, I can say that interact[ing] with victims on a daily basis takes an immense toll on a person and their mental health, and they deserve whatever compensation looks like. It's really important because these people are the backbone, they're helping people heal. We need to approach it with such gratitude and acknowledgement, and that's why it's so important to continue to support this, because they are doing the real legwork.

So I found out about AWARE actually around the time that [I was assaulted] and a lot of the things that they were saying were very validating to how I was feeling. Although I didn't reach out, just knowing that it was there, and that there was a space that I could expel a lot of that trauma, and just have confirmation that it would be taken seriously and kindly, it's very important. The more AWARE has visibility, the more there's universal knowledge that there is a place that survivors can seek refuge, anything that we can do to make that more and more of a reality, to increase that accessibility, is just necessary.

what would you like to see this international women's day?

I think I would like to see through daily interaction the evidence that men, women, everyone really, is doing the work to become kinder, to become more empathetic, to acknowledge your shortfalls and your ways in which you might be a little ignorant or possibly a little discriminatory, and sit with it and understand why it's wrong . . . and move with so much more love. I know it's a long process but that's the point, it's lifelong work. So I don't really need to see anything happen immediately, I just need to see that change continues to be had and we continue to evolve. Just sit with ways in which you could hold biases, reflect and have the self-motivation to grow from it. But first, you have to acknowledge it.

what advice would you give to a survivor on their journey of recovery and healing?

You are definitely not alone although it feels like that. Your story is valid in whatever form it happened. You have every right to feel whatever emotion and you should feel those emotions in full range because pushing them down and bottling them up is only going to be more harmful. There can be a level of forgiveness, whether that's to yourself, or to the person that committed that harm to you. But if you're not there yet, that is absolutely fine. You are absolutely fine wherever you are at in your stage of healing. Take it one step at a time. Find community and safety in spaces that you can feel empathy, respect and kindness. And eventually, it gets better.

before we end, what would you like to say to your younger self?

You're going to be very proud of the person that you'll become because you took a very bad experience and turned it into something positive. I think we as a culture, as a society, we often don't give ourselves enough space to receive positive affirmation, so I would tell my younger self that you'll be proud. The journey is tough, but it's rewarding.