what would you like to share about yourself?

I'm a Singaporean, ethnically Indian woman in my 30s. I think my friends and loved ones would describe me as someone who is clear on what she wants. [During my time off,] I definitely recharge alone and at home. Self-growth is one of the best things in the world for me and that can look like [taking] time to meditate, doing yoga, journaling, writing poetry, watching the sunset, reading or watching or listening to something inspiring or moving; reading spiritual poetry is one of my favourite things to do too. I do make time for watching mindless shows as well—it somehow helps me to be purposely lighthearted!

what led you to participate in this sharing for our fundraiser?

It's been a journey for me actually, in this territory, in the sense that when I went through these incidents [of sexual violence], I didn't really realize the impact that it had on me. . . . [AWARE] provided [a] safe atmosphere [and] they brought many things into context which I hadn't realized, one of which was that this is a crime, I could have pressed charges. I didn't know these things, you know? But the way they did it with so much respect and so much kindness for me, I think [AWARE] acted like a mirror for me to look at myself and feel that I had progressed in a certain way and [gave me] the validation of how wrong and how much of a crime [what I experienced] actually is.

The fact that they are shining a light and doing work which is so needed for the progress and for the safety of women is a cause that really should be supported because they need funds in order to continue their work. That's essential. 

what does the term "sexual violence" mean to you?

The definition I know is defined a certain way but I think it should be expanded because [it] focuses very much on unwanted physical contact, [which] I think for sure everyone knows is sexual assault or sexual violence. But what I realized is that almost every woman I know has been harassed in some way that has sexual context, and that may not be physical harassment—it can be verbal harassment and that should also fall into the terrain of sexual assault, not just all the physical definition surrounding this term.

what were your experiences with sexual violence like?

[I]n my case, the bulk of it happened in my 20s, before I really understood myself and how to navigate the world of adults, so it was a very scary time for me and I had no support—this was prior to #metoo. . . . The first instance was an instance of groping and it was by someone very senior and very respected in the financial industry. He was protected by his colleague who was there at the time, and he wasn't called out on [his behaviour] at all. He was also a married man, essentially preying on me and another younger woman. And because he was protected and no one called him out, and he was so senior and so-called well-respected in this industry, it kind of set up this narrative in my subconscious mind that the people whom you look up to in your workforce can at the very same time engage in behaviours like this and it will be okay. That created feelings of disgust in me and I think confusion because if this is your reality and this is the job that you've chosen and you want to succeed in, but there's something toxic and wrong as part of its narrative, then that's really confusing because it's not aligning with your values; it's not aligning with how you really want life to be, and yet it's being presented to you as reality.

continued...

Unfortunately, what I really remember was the emotional abuse I endured . . . from my colleagues, my managers, as well as my clients. And it happened over many years. Whilst that was happening, I was also in a very toxic and emotionally abusive environment, which really destroyed my belief that I was worthy of anything, or that I was capable, or that I was a success. It was just this constant day in and day out of [what] I realise now, living in survival mode. Sometimes I actually don't even remember until I go back and look at previous journal entries and I try to dig through my thoughts. . . . I didn't capture everything when it was happening because it was just too much for me to process and understand what was going on. I don't know, memories are a very strange thing, it's kind of a visceral sensation; you have a strange idea of how you felt and I think deep inside [you know] that you're being violated in some way, but I also remember distinctly thinking and feeling that this is the way that men work. I mean, now, of course, there's terminology around that, that this is the patriarchy and this is misogyny and this is harassment, but at the time as a 20-something-year-old, I felt that this is how life is, that men in certain positions of power will always act this way. I might come into their way and I will thereby just have to learn how to navigate.

i'm very sorry to hear about what you had to go through. what was your response to the incidents of assault and harassment?

Well . . . at the time—and I’m different now—even if something was terribly wrong—which it was—I had this mentality or this idea that by not showing that I was breaking, I was strong. So no one really knew. . . . I never actually talked about the sexual harassment and assault [to my co-workers or superiors], to be honest. I did talk about [the] toxic culture and the emotional abuse part of it but to my knowledge, I don't know if they changed anything and . . . [W]hen I decided I was going to quit, I was even called . . . something very unkind by someone very senior in the workplace, who just felt that this job and the perks that it gives me should be more than enough for me to want to continue to stick with it, regardless of what the climate was like. . . . There [was] maybe a boys' club attitude and depending on which part of the industry you're in, there can be a misogynistic attitude.

continued...

Once again, this is before #metoo so a lot of this behaviour would just fly and if you called it out as a woman, I've heard my bosses and so on saying that, oh, so and so is not a team player and so and so is sensitive. Basically, you're already not part of that boys' club and when you call attention to behaviours like this, you become even less part of any club; you become an outsider and this sensitive and difficult person to work with. I'm not in that industry anymore so I can't speak about how it is today at all, and I'm also not saying that this happens in every single part of that industry, but it happened in the part that I was working in, and that never changed for the entire time that I was there.

continued...

[When I decided to leave the financial industry, it was because] my physical health completely crashed. And because I physically could not go on at that point and I was not getting better whatever I tried, I had to really take stock of what the hell was happening to me because I think mentally, I could take a lot but if my physical body was basically crashing out then I had to say, oh, what's going on? So that was the deal-breaker, which I'm still recovering from [even today]. . . . I don't know how long, how many more years it will take me [to recover from the] complex health issues [I have] now because of the chronic stress I endured, so that is one thing I would definitely change [if I could]. Otherwise . . . from the perspective of growth and things working out a certain way, I think it all happened for a reason.

and after your experiences with sexual violence, how did you heal and recover from your trauma?

I know that in the first stages, I felt that forgiveness was very important. For my own peace of mind and progress, I needed to be able to genuinely forgive whoever had done these things. Not because they were right, but that in spite of being wrong, they were confused humans and from that perspective, I needed to let go and forgive them, so that was the first thing I worked on. I thought I was fine, but then I went through an incident where I was very triggered by the whole thing and realised I still wasn't fine, and that was a couple of years after. So then I went back and started engaging more with my journals and then doing a lot of free writing around it. I think at that stage, I had moved on from hurt to rage and I think processing my rage was mainly done through writing, journaling, and then through my community in my new career. They helped me. They, first of all, classified it as trauma. I was able to talk about it in a safe way and then we did certain activities that helped me to engage with [my trauma] healthily and then release it.

continued...

I think [in] my first few stages of healing[, I also had to focus on] forgiving myself as much as I needed to forgive everyone else. And it's from this context of I should have known better, I should have been capable enough, I was an adult when all this happened. Why did I do these things? . . . A few years ago, when I was very clear with myself that I wanted to heal from this, I actually spoke to a hypnotherapist and what he talked to me about [was the] stories that we carry in our subconscious mind. And that was when I really sat down to gently ask myself, what are the stories that I'm carrying in my subconscious mind around this part of my life? And that's when this all came out—that I think I carry a story that men are this way, . . . that I could be in a working context with men who were my peers or my seniors and that it [would] be fraught with something going a certain direction that was unwanted and a violation. . . . [W]hen I realised it, obviously, my logical conscious mind is able to recognise that these are illogical stories and that's when I began the mental and emotional work to heal from it.

when sharing your story, have you come across any stereotypes or prejudices about victims of sexual violence?

I haven't really shared with anyone [in detail about my experiences] particularly because we all take such a risk when you're being vulnerable because it can really go south. And unless you've done a lot of work, unfortunately, people's response to your stories can be very triggering. . . . [B]ut that's the thing—it's a very tricky, vulnerable conversation. And even if someone doesn't mean badly, it can come out in really weird ways. . . . [Regarding stereotypes and prejudices,] I don't think I've come across too many but . . . when I share the little bits of [my experiences with sexual assault] . . . something that comes up a lot from the other person is I wonder why this didn't happen to me? . . . it has come up a lot, this whole I wonder why it didn't happen to me because it sounds like it happened to you so much. I don't know, I think there are so many subtexts to what they mean by that and none of it is nice.

how do you think they could have phrased their responses in a more helpful way?

It's [a] very judgmental, comparative sort of statement. And yet, I have empathy for the fact that as a woman who has shared experiences, you're curious—what is it about this person that is different from my own experience that I didn't go through this? . . . I work in mental health too and essentially . . . asking 'why' type of questions is not helpful, but asking the 'what' type of question is much more helpful. So [by asking] what is it about a certain situation? What was it about that man? What was it about you in that context? [Those are] much more helpful than asking why did this happen? Or, why do you think?

[To respond in a way that is helpful is also] a very subjective thing, I think. I guess a few guidelines would be if someone is sharing, to not make it about yourself in that conversation but understand that they're sharing something that is vulnerable and potentially scary for them. Maybe they haven't healed from it yet [so] just be a receptacle to listen, that's the first thing. And . . . there is no need to offer advice unless it's solicited. [And] maybe be an ally by saying, if you would like support, how can I support you? How can I help you to look for resources to which you can be supported? And then just leave it at that.

and what would like to see this International Women’s Day?

What I would like to see, to be honest, is for men to be champions for this as well because unfortunately, if you're being real about it, there are circumstances of inequality that women are dealing with and for whatever reason, sometimes a woman saying something doesn't carry as much weight as a man . . . So that’s wrong, but that being the case and us knowing that that's the reality we live in, if more men could really champion this, men who have impact and whose voices are listened to, if they can start speaking out and correcting this in whatever terrain that they operate in, I think that would really start making a big difference. That's what I would like to see happen this International Women's Day and every day going forward.

[...]

[Also], how I really wish [things] would change is that for young women that join the workforce . . . [to know] that if they are violated in any way or form, emotionally, mentally, sexually, they have safe channels of escalation and recourse which doesn't affect their professional progression because women really need that, and especially when you're a junior, you really need that. I don't know if industries have created such channels of recourse and escalation and professional safety. I know it's hard to create such channels as well because they basically haven't existed and they are not effective even if they do exist, but it's incredibly needed as more women join the workforce; in any industry where sexual assault happens, it's needed.

what advice would you share with someone who is on their healing journey?

I think there's not a single woman that I know that hasn't been a victim or a survivor in some way, wherever that lies on the spectrum of assault. So in a way, I think we're all on some healing journey and I think the first thing to ask yourself is do you think you need to heal from this? Because that answer’s not ‘yes’ for everyone. If the answer is ‘yes’, then understand that it's not a linear process but know that healing is your birthright and let that give you the determination that you want to heal from this. And you can heal from this, and there are resources and people who can support you.

before we end, is there anything you’d like to say to your younger self?

I believe in karma and fate so what I would say to my younger self is that these are all stepping stones in your life which you [have] to live and endure in a certain way. But I know that you know that you will carry through that [phase in life] somehow . . . and that you're continuing to carry through it even now, and so use that to grow and heal and become an even better version of yourself.